Belfast Telegraph
12 August 2017
By Frances
Burscough
[…] I remember
once hearing about a woman whose recent ex had gone away on holiday with a new
girlfriend. She still had the key to his house so the day he left she let
herself in ... carrying a watering can, a packet of grass seeds and some
fertilizer. Two weeks later, when he returned from his trip, the central
heating was blasting out on full capacity and the carpet in his “good room” was
now a thick and lush green lawn, with verdant long grass covering every inch
and all his scatter cushions springing to life too.
Another tale I
heard tell — whether it’s true or merely an urban myth we may never know — was
about a jilted woman who also took out all her frustration on her ex’s soft
furnishings. In this case she slipped in one day while he was out, armed with a
sewing kit and a can of anchovies (the mind boggles doesn’t it?). But what she
actually did was ingenious and diabolical in equal measure. Apparently this
woman (at once mad, bad and dangerous to know, I think you will agree) then
proceeded to carefully unpick the hems on all the curtains in every room and
then deftly inserted anchovies inside the seams before sewing them back
together. Of course she won’t have been there to witness the fall-out, but suffice
to say that after a couple of days his house started to smell of rotten fish.
Two weeks and umpteen cans of Air Wick later, the smell was so intense he had
to move out. Like I said, ingenious — but don’t quote me on that. […]